Two Steps Back

My mom came over today and took me to the store, and after we got back to the trailer, I sat in her van discussing what I would like to do for the boys over the summer. I said I wanted to get hold of some of Todd's family in New York and see if they would like him to visit them for a couple of weeks because this is his last summer before he is an adult, and they have not seen him since he was four years old. I feel I owe it to them to let them get to know him a little before he is all grown up and out in the world. I also want him to spend some time with my sister because he sees an example of what can be accomplished through them, if you work hard. But while we sat there talking about Tate's future, he came out the back door and said he had just gotten into a fist fight with his father. He said he was just playing on the computer and his dad hit him, so he hit back. I knew that was not the whole story, but he said Todd was calling the police and was threatening to have him arrested, so I sent him with my mother. I came in and tried to talk to Todd, but he did not want to talk, he was just yelling. So we have taken two giant steps back in all the progress we have made.

The stress has overwhelmed him. I understand because I am overwhelmed too, but I express it in different ways. The past two days I have just been crying. I don't know much, but I know that I am tired of being miserable. I want to laugh with someone. Todd and I need to reconnect or we are going to end up apart. The idea of a divorce just tears me apart. When I married Todd, it was forever in my heart.

I am totally discouraged with myself. I am tired of not being able to do things with my family because I am too fat to walk around. I have got to lose weight. I may start another blog and record everything I eat on it as a way to try and get myself motivated to lose weight.

Dear Lord, I need help to hold this family together. Please soften Todd's heart, and please soften Tate's heart. Please make us into a real and loving family. Please replace the anger and pain in this home with patience and understanding, and love.

I want to pull Tate close and just love him, but he pulls away every time. Please, God, let my son allow me to hold him and love him the way a mother is supposed to pull her children close and soothe their souls. I can't even express how much my heart hurts right now. The pain feels like it is coursing right through my veins and I want to run away, as if I could escape the pain.

I wish I could move in with my mom because for some reason, when I am with her, I feel like I am safe and taken care of, and I don't feel safe right now. Please, God, help me to feel safe again.