Two Steps Back

My mom came over today and took me to the store, and after we got back to the trailer, I sat in her van discussing what I would like to do for the boys over the summer. I said I wanted to get hold of some of Todd's family in New York and see if they would like him to visit them for a couple of weeks because this is his last summer before he is an adult, and they have not seen him since he was four years old. I feel I owe it to them to let them get to know him a little before he is all grown up and out in the world. I also want him to spend some time with my sister because he sees an example of what can be accomplished through them, if you work hard. But while we sat there talking about Tate's future, he came out the back door and said he had just gotten into a fist fight with his father. He said he was just playing on the computer and his dad hit him, so he hit back. I knew that was not the whole story, but he said Todd was calling the police and was threatening to have him arrested, so I sent him with my mother. I came in and tried to talk to Todd, but he did not want to talk, he was just yelling. So we have taken two giant steps back in all the progress we have made.

The stress has overwhelmed him. I understand because I am overwhelmed too, but I express it in different ways. The past two days I have just been crying. I don't know much, but I know that I am tired of being miserable. I want to laugh with someone. Todd and I need to reconnect or we are going to end up apart. The idea of a divorce just tears me apart. When I married Todd, it was forever in my heart.

I am totally discouraged with myself. I am tired of not being able to do things with my family because I am too fat to walk around. I have got to lose weight. I may start another blog and record everything I eat on it as a way to try and get myself motivated to lose weight.

Dear Lord, I need help to hold this family together. Please soften Todd's heart, and please soften Tate's heart. Please make us into a real and loving family. Please replace the anger and pain in this home with patience and understanding, and love.

I want to pull Tate close and just love him, but he pulls away every time. Please, God, let my son allow me to hold him and love him the way a mother is supposed to pull her children close and soothe their souls. I can't even express how much my heart hurts right now. The pain feels like it is coursing right through my veins and I want to run away, as if I could escape the pain.

I wish I could move in with my mom because for some reason, when I am with her, I feel like I am safe and taken care of, and I don't feel safe right now. Please, God, help me to feel safe again.

Bugs

Graham and I both have the flu bug. Graham came down with it on Thursday or Friday and had to share. I have a sore throat and my chest is getting more and more conjested. I used the oxygen last night for a while.

Todd's counselor, Larry, called this morning. I am thankful because he seems to be someone who is genuinely concerned with helping Todd. He listens to me, and that makes me happy because counselors usually just work with the individual and in doing that, they can ruin a relationship. Counselors work on healing the individual, and sometimes they advise things that are not healthy for a couple. When someone enters into therapy, their spouce should not be shut out. I could probably write a book on that alone.

Larry suggested that my mom take the kids for a day or two so that we could get away together. Normaly that would not be an option, because we would not have the money to do it, but with my financial aide check coming in soon, we may be able to manage it. We really do need some time to gether to reconnect with each other. I will pray on it.

Todd continues to be in pain all the time. His legs and feet are swelling up too. If you have never watched someone you love living in constant pain, you have no idea how helpless you can feel. Women are designed to want to ease pain with their touch. What is the first thing you do when your child is hurting? You pull them close. I keep wishing a hug or a good back rub will take Todd's pain away, but there is no healing in my caress, so I must continue to pray for Jehovah to remove Todd's pain.

I had some trouble with this week's homework. I should not have waited until the last minute to do it. There was supposed to be an example posted, but I could not find it. From the looks of the board, neither could a lot of other people, so at least I don't feel alone, but I do wish I had begun earlier so that I would have had the chance to email the instructor about it.

I really hope that my check arrives today so that I can pay the rent and the electric bill. I paid the cable/internet/phone bill already.

Today is Todd's birthday and I didn't buy a cake or a gift for him. I think I will just wait until the check comes in to do that. He will have to understand. I did get him a card. If the check does not come today, I will give that to him and write in it something about giving him his gift later in the week.

The Pain

I am not being metaphoric. I am experiencing a physical pain that seems to be getting worse. All the doctors want to do is give me pain killers. I wish they could track down the source of the pain and do something to stop it. I know that doctors don't have all the answers, that they are simply human, and most of the time they are simply guessing as to how to treat people for different conditions- okay, they are educated guesses, but I think a lot of the time the doctors would do better by listening to their patients. When I know what is wrong, I tell my doctors what to do for me to save them the trouble of guessing. Problem is, this time I don't know what is wrong. My neck, shoulders, and upper back hurt the worst at the moment, but other times it may be my lower back, my legs, or my feet- even my arms. It seems to travel without rhyme or reason. It's hard to think, or do anything else when you are in pain.

My prayers keep getting longer and longer, which is a good thing, because it is good to spend time in prayer, cultivating a perosnal connection to the Creator, and because my prayers are becoming less egocentric as I ask Him to help other people, but I get so busy asking Jehovah to help people that I forget to tell him how thankful I am for the things he has given; the day I started this blog was the last time I had to call 911 because of my husband and son fighting. Dispite not having any money, we have somehow gotten through this month, and we have not gone hungry or went without anything we really needed. Jehovah has provided everything we needed as we needed it, and I am very thankful.

I saw part of a television program today that was showing the conditions in Haiti. It is so hard to take in. Most of us will never have to experience that sort of devastation, Lord willing. It showed bodies just lying alongside the roads. People covered them up, but they had no place to take them, and no way to get them anywhere if they did. There was a toddler who had to have her leg amputated because she had been trapped in the rubble of what had been her home. There was another infant with a head injury. It just makes me want to cry thinking about it. I wish I could do more than just pray for the people. Some people blame God for natural disasters like this. They even refer to them as "acts of God," but God does not inflict indiscriminate punishment on people via earthquakes or huricanes or any other act of nature. These things just happen. God does not cause them.

When I hear an Amber Alert, I pray for that child to be found, but I always put the condition in my prayer "if it is not already too late," because I know that God will not ressurrect a child that has already been killed in order to answer my prayer. He does answer those prayers though, because the abducted children I have prayed for, the ones I have been able to follow up on, have all been found and returned to their parents. I bring this up because I think we have to be reasonable in our requests to God. As another example, if someone prayed to God to be able to float at will, God will not answer that prayer because He will not defy the laws of physics for someone. God created the laws of physics, and he created them for a good reason, so it is unreasonable for us to expect him to make exceptions for individuals. So then, we have to take responsibility for our actions. If we are going to do something dangerous such as mountain climb, sky dive, bungy jump, etc... and something goes wrong, we can't expect God to stop us from falling. We need to have strong faith in God, but strong faith is not an excuse for reclessness. If we choose to do risky activities, such as mountain climbing, it is our responsibility to take the reasonable precautions to insure our own protection. If you remember right, when the son of God was being tempted by the devil, not even Jesus would throw himself off the temple and expect God to save him. (Matthew 4: 1-11) We must not use our prayers in order to test God.

I guess that got a little preachy, didn't it? I don't want this blog to be preachy. I think God loves us whether we believe in him or not, and I want this blog to be an encouraging place, not a place that lays on guilt or fear.

My friend Tiffany is an atheist, and she is one of the most beautiful people I have ever known. I am adding her to my prayers because she is going to have a baby on February 2, via c-section, and I know how frightening it is to be cut open like that. I prayed fervently before both of my c-sections. I can't imagine going into an operating room without having God to trust in. So, please, Jehovah God, be with Tiffany when she goes in to deliver baby Charlotte, keep them both safe through the operation.

Still Praying

I am still praying for help with our financial situation. I don't know how we are going to buy cat food and toilet paper, or put gas in the truck. I will sure be happy when this month is over.

My financial counselor tried calling me yesterday, but I was on the phone with Tate's counselor, so I just let it go. I tried calling him back afterward, but I could not get through. I am going to try and call him this morning. I hope that it is good news he has for me. COS said my transcripts had been mailed on Tuesday, but I am paranoid that something will go wrong. Jehovah knows we need that money.

There is a new program at school for Tate, and he actually seems excited about it. It is called Reconnect, I think. Anyway, it is supposed to encourage him and help him with his other classes. I think this program may be an answer to my prayers for Tate. Something has to get through to him.

I also need to include my friend Sandy in my prayers. She moved in with a man named Craig after knowing him about a day. She met him at a bar. That is sheer desperation. I know why Sandy did it. Her ex, Richard, blew her entire month's income on New Years. She was desperate for someone to save her financialy, but why would a man bring a stranger into his home so quickly? Sandy said he is caring for his elderly father. I imagine that he was desperate for some help doing that. Does a relationship begun in desperation stand a chance? She is lost. I pray that she finds her way, and that this guy she moved in with does not turn out to be a psycho or a woman beater or something.

Graham is doing well in school. He is wearing his glasses dispite the broken nose piece, and he finished the highest work book that his resource teacher had for him in reading, so now he is reading from the same book as the rest of his class. I am so glad that he has progressed so well. Now I need to pray that he gets the hang of math.

I am still praying that Todd finds some relief from the pain he is in. He slept a little better last night than he usually does, but he still woke up twice in pain.

Oh, there are so many people to pray for. The situation in Haiti following the earthquake should be in everyone's prayers. Just the thought of what those people are going through is overwhelming, but Jehovah does give people strengh to endure.

The stray black cat we have been feeding has not been around for two days. I have known unaltered males to disappear for up to two weeks at a time, but I am still worried about the cat. He has gotten so tame with us, but he is still very skiddish when around others. I am afraid our landlord set out a trap and caught him. If that happened, I don't even have gas to go to the SPCA and see if he is there. If that happened, all the months we put into taming him will have been for nothing. He will be too wild to be adopted, and will end up being put to sleep without anybody who loves him :(

Just as a foot note, I wanted to explain that I use the name Jehovah when referring to our Creator, and I am aware that the name can be offensive to some. I am not a Jehovah's Witness, but I was raised as one, and therefore I still feel the need to refer to God by the name I was taught. I hope that will not stop people from reading.

If anybody has any prayer requests, please let me know and I will pray for you. If any of you would please include me, or any of the people I mention in your prayers, I would be very appreciative. Thank you.