Bad Week

It has been one of those weeks where just when you think it can't get any worse, it does.

I just started to feel better. I've been able to breathe without the oxygen for three or four days now.

Last week, I was driving our pick-up to the store when I got pulled over. The cop said that he was pulling me over because my license plate was blocked- which was totally rediculous because what he said was blocking it was the tow hitch, and it has been there since the truck was manufactured in 1983. Anyway, our registration was not current on the truck because we have not had the money to get the truck to pass the smog inspection. So because the registration was run out, the cop had the truck towed, and that was Saturday night. Sunday the bank was closed, so I could not get any money out. Monday they were closed to, so Tuesday I went and drew out everything I had which was only a hundred and seventy five dollars- one hundred of which was for my electric bill- and went to try and get the truck from the place that towed it, but they wanted two hundred and ten dollars, and on top of that, we still needed to pay the police a hundred and twenty seven dollars, so we had to just let our truck go. It was a good truck. It never cost us much in labor to maintain, and never left us stranded. I am so sad to let it go. That was on Saturday. Come Monday Todd drove me over to my friend's house to help her mother do some cleaning, and when he was driving back home his Blazer died. He had to walk back to my friend's house, and his friend Ernest gave us a ride home. My mom's husband had triple A tow it back to our house, and there it sits in the driveway. We don't know what is wrong with it, and we don't have any money to take it to a garage. I already paid the electric bill.

Now the weather is all rainy and the ceiling in the bathroom is leaking so my feet get wet when I have to use the bathroom, and I am just too depressed by everything. I am so tired of just barely scraping by. I don't want a lot, but I want to be able to drive to the mountains, or to the ocean. When I get there, I want to walk on the beach, or through the redwooods. I want to be able to go someplace with my family for dinner. I want to see a movie or buy a pair of shoes without having to worry about being short on the electric bill or running out of food by the end of the month. My friend Sandy wrote on facebook that she had gone out dancing. I want to do that without feeling guilty that I am spending money I should be using to pay bills. Is what I want so unreasonable? I don't know why we have never been able to accomplish it. Not even when both of us were working full time. Now with Todd's back being so bad, he will never be able to work again, and I am going to school hoping to become more employable. I have never had a job that paid more than minimum wage, except when I was working as a truck driver. I would go back to that if I could, but my health is not good enough.

Todd went to the emergency room last night. He said he was having a panic attack. He called 911 and went in by ambulance. He is disappointing me so much lately. He acted like a child about the Blazer breaking down. I tried looking up the symptoms online to diagnose the problem, but he would not check anything. I would have had Tate check things, but I was afraid Todd would get mad. Todd is just not the man I married anymore. He never laughs anymore, at least, not when he is with me. He is whiney and childish and angry all the time. I have fantasies about leaving him for someone who knows how to be happy. But I still love him. I just don't respect him like I used to. He has always had an attitude like the world owes him something, and that has always bothered me, but it has gotten worse lately. I think he has lost respect for himself, and that is a big problem, because I won't be able to respect him until he can respect himself again.

Now I have to do a power point presentation for school, and I have never done one. I have to download a trial version of microsoft office to do it, and I can't get the download to work, and I feel like the whole world is caving in on me. This rain has left a chill in the air and I can't shake it. And now I can't stop crying. Please help me, God. Please help me.