Rough Day

Actually the past two days have been pretty rough. I don't know what got into Todd, but he started acting like a child, popping off smart remarks directed at Tate, as if he were trying to instigate a fight.

Today Tate's school bus was cancelled due to fog, so I had to play babysitter all day to keep a fist fight from ensuing. Everything culminated when I went to the bathroom and Todd took that as an opportunity to start up with Tate again. I got angry because I could not even go to the bathroom without the two of them starting in.

I tried to reason with Todd, after all, he is the adult. How can I discipline Tate for making smart remarks when his father is doing the same thing? Todd just kept saying that he was going to do it because he was tired of Tate doing it. That does not even make sense. He was completely unreasonable, and to be honest, I forgot to pray and instead tried calling Todd's therapist, but his therapist is on vacation, and the person taking over for his therapist was out of the office, so I ended up calling the crisis line. A crisis worker came to our home and talked to Todd.

I had to leave to get to the bank before 5:00, so I left her here to talk to Todd. I took Tate with me. I don't know what she said to Todd after I left, but at least he stopped trying to pick a fight with Tate when we got back.

I need to remember to pray for Todd to have patience with Tate, and to love Tate. He does not act like he loves Tate at all, but I know he does. I need to pray for Todd to act like a loving parent instead of an angry child.

Todd's dad was not around when Todd was Tate's age because his parents had divorced by that time and Todd was living with his mother. He did not see his father very often for about seven years. I think that is part of why Todd has no relationship with Tate.

I love Tate with all my heart, but he does not make it easy to love him. He pushes us away with every breath he takes. I don't know how things went so wrong with him. I have this tremendous sense of guilt, but I don't know what I feel guilty for. I know I haven't been the best mother in the world, but I haven't been the worst mother either.

The day Tate was born the nurses called him Mr. Mad because he screamed and screamed. He used to scream so hard that he burst blood vessels in his eyes. He used to have the worst temper tantrums too when he got to be a toddler. I don't know where all his anger came from. Could be have actually been born with it? I need to pray for Tate to open up and not be so angry all the time, and also for him to appreciate his parents more.

I haven't been feeling good. I haven't gotten enough sleep for days and days. I need to get to the doctor, but I haven't had any gasoline, so I haven't been able to make an appointment. I am still having a lot of pain in my back, head, neck and shoulders, and now I am having a hard time breathing. I think I may be coming down with a bronchule infection. I guess I need to include my own health in my prayers.

Thank you for getting us through this month, Jehovah God. It has been a rough one and without your provisions, we would not have made it. Please continue to help us, to bring peace to our home, along with love, patience and consideration for each other. Help us to get along and to work together. Please help Todd especially to be more understanding and patient with Tate, and please replace Tate's anger with understanding and help him to have more appreciation for both of his parents. Please grant us love and laughter and let our financial situation improve.